35 Things I've Learned at 35

Taking a Leaf Out of My Friend Steve's Book

Every year on his birthday, my friend Steve writes up a list of things he’s learned over time. Sometimes they’re simple observations about life, sometimes they’re lessons gleaned from hard experience. I’ve always loved Steve’s tradition and have wanted to take a shot at it myself for years, and — given how numbers work — I figure it probably won’t get any easier to start from scratch the older I get.

I meant to share this list back in March when I turned 35, but it’s been a busy spring and summer for us. I have a book on Luke coming out a little later this year that needed some revision. I put together a short set of comments on Acts for an upcoming Anabaptist Bible project. I have a new job outside of academia and the church. Alyssa and I recently started an artisan microbakery and have been selling bread every other weekend at our local farmer’s market.

Sometimes writing about life gets postponed by the actual living of it. Maybe you can relate.  

So — better late than never — here are my 35 things I’ve learned at 35. I hope I’ve done justice to Steve’s tradition. I’m not making any claims as to how good I am at following any of these, and a few of them are surely just wishful thinking on my part. But in general, I’ve found them to be true for me.

1. Trust is a basic and necessary condition for every human relationship. Everything falls apart without it.

2. You can’t control other people’s actions. You can only control how you respond to them.

3. Without a “you,” there’s no such thing as a “me”.

4. Finding pleasure in doing something you’re not especially good at is one of the most underrated joys in life.

5. Never feel ashamed of where you came from.

6. If any investment is wholly worth the cost, it’s comfy and durable socks.

7. Every weakness is potentially a strength, and every strength potentially a weakness.

8. Grace happens when we stick around after we’ve been wounded. I’ve seen it happen. It’s a beautiful thing.

9. Love is not a feeling. It’s a pattern of behavior marked by fidelity and self-sacrifice.

10. The author of the Gospel of Luke was Jewish.

11. No matter how kind, generous, or compassionate you think you are, some people will insist on making you their enemy. It’s not worth trying to appease them.

12. You don’t get to be the judge of whether or not you’ve wounded someone.

13. Everyone should learn to love at least one thing that none of their friends care for.

14. Life is too precious to waste your time arguing with strangers on the internet.

15. Vegetable gardens and bread dough are better spiritual teachers than most of the priests I know.

16. Beware of getting too attached to your personal ideal of what a community should look like. Personal ideals too easily become idols.

17. Lower your expectations.

18. Online relationships absolutely can be real relationships.

19. The wisest people I know don’t spend much time and energy insisting that everyone acknowledge how wise they are.

20. To the best of your ability, take care of your body. It’s the only one you will ever have, in this life or in the age to come.

21. You won’t find an answer to every question in a book, but you just might find a kindred spirit who asks the same sort of questions as you.

22. Understand your physical and emotional limits. It’s good to know when to quit. Learn to bow out gracefully.

23. Whatever it is, it’s going to take longer than you think. Plan accordingly.

24. It’s okay to do nothing. You are not obligated to be productive.

25. The fact that any of us can understand one another at all is a damn miracle. Communication is a divine gift. Try not to take it for granted.

26. There is a reality that exists beyond our human ability to know or measure. It can only be experienced.

27. No matter how old you get, farts continue to be funny.

28. Just because you are offended doesn’t mean that you are morally right.

29. Part of what makes us human is being limited by our circumstances in life — our upbringing, our social environment, our embedded beliefs — even as we develop the tools and strategies required to transcend those circumstances.

30. Gentleness is ultimately more valuable than intelligence.

31. Institutions are incapable of loving people as individuals. If it seems like an institution cares for you, there’s a good chance that’s because it is strategically advantageous for the institution’s self-preservation. You just might be the target of a marketing campaign.

32. Be friendly to strangers — at the grocery store, at the airport, passing by on the sidewalk. Kindness makes a difference.

33. People don’t understand cause and effect nearly as well as we think we do.

34. You know that “optional” pinch of salt in the instructions on a box of oatmeal? Give it a try sometime. You won’t regret it.

35. There’s no such thing as a life lived free of sacrifice.